Ultimate Adventure
by BozarBoy
Summary: What happens when an idiot with a (debatably) colorful past wakes up with an Ultimatrix on his wrist and map to the multiverse in his head? Violence, sarcasm, and gratuitous pandering, among other things.
1. Extremely Lucid

**Ultimate Adventure**

**_A/N_: Hi there folks, my name is BozarBoy and this is "Ultimate Adventure". It began life (on this site) as "Ultimate Accident", a story you have not likely read. It was inspired by "Sleeping with the Girls", a clever fic written by a much better author than myself. You should check that one out regardless if you like this tale or not. -Opening theme: Berserker by Blues Saraceno-**

Chapter 1: Extremely Lucid

Like all stories, my tale has a beginning, middle, and end. Unfortunately, the beginning bits of my life were really boring, so I'll just summarize them. One of my older brothers disappeared, my parents got divorced, and a few years of general nerdiness were followed by high school slackerness. That's all you need to know about me before we get into this.

-0-0-0-

I knew two things when I woke up, that my head hurt and that for Primus knew what reason, one (or both) of my idiot brothers were watching Kim Possible. They either had the volume blasting or I fell asleep in the living room again.

"So, what do we do with him?" One of the twins asked.

"I don't know. He's just laying there." The other twin responded.

"We could turn the couch into a trebuchet and launch him out." The first twin offered.

"As cool as that would be, we got grounded for a month the last time we did that. I doubt it would go over as well this time." The second twin pointed out.

"Hey! I get that it must've been a bastich to find a Kim Possible rerun, but can you please shut it the hell off?" I yelled. "I'm trying to sleep here!"

"Oops. Guess he's awake now." The second twin said in that annoying half-whisper that wasn't actually quiet.

"I guess so. Too late for the couch-apult?" The first twin asked, also slightly hushed.

My eyes snapped open as I realized something. I wasn't on my couch, as the object beneath me didn't reek of old nachos, nor was it shaped like a middle-aged hippo. That meant I wasn't in my living room, safe at home. I had somehow ended up in a Primus forsaken hell-hole, albeit one that was a touch nicer than my place.

I gracefully rolled off the mystery couch, quickly got to my feet, and began searching for the source of the twin's voices. My eyes went wide as I learned that the voices hadn't come from a TV or a tablet, but from the pair of flesh-and-blood twins standing a few feet behind the couch. The twin in green (Jim, I believe) gave me a cheerful wave.

I waved back, as it would've been impolite not to, and slowly sat back on the mystery couch. As far as I could tell, I was simply experiencing what the professionals called a 'psychotic break'. All I needed –

"Hey! Do you tweebs know what time it is?" a girl (who sounded like Christy Carlson Romano) yelled, interrupting my monologue. "Why is one of your stupid friends over so early?"

I looked over my shoulder and saw the twins exchange knowing glances.

"He's your friend!" Jim yelled back.

"Yeah!" Tim said with a smile. "Ask him yourself!"

"Ugh, fine." the CCR sound-alike said w/ a sigh.

The twins high-fived each other before they wandered out of the room. Lacking any real options, I decided to wait for… _Kim Possible_ to come down. There was a remote lying on the couch, so I decided to see what kind of cartoons aired inside of cartoons.

-0-0-0-

I didn't immediately notice Kim come downstairs, as I was transfixed by the show I had found. She punched me in the arm to get my attention, which worked. Also, ow.

"You guys have an 'Axe Cop' TV show here?" I asked her as I regretfully shut the TV off.

Kim folded her arms. "You broke into my house to ask me about some dumb cartoon?" She asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Hey, that show was awesome!" I blinked. "Did you just say that I broke in?"

"That's right, Mr…" A man asked.

"Osbourne." I automatically supplied, surprised to see Mr. Dr. Possible standing in the doorway.

"Well Mr. Osbourne, the thing is –"

"I also go by 'Jack'."

Mr. Dr. P sighed. "Well _Jack_, you are trespassing on private property." He said matter-of-factly. "And you're saying you didn't break in?"

"Yes?" I answered reluctantly. I would've loved to stick to my guns but I had to admit that no court would buy my half-assed cover story. I mean, telling a judge that you came from another dimension where all of their reality is a children's cartoon was a straight shot to a straitjacket and a padded room with a view.

Kim rolled her eyes. "Like anyone's going to believe that."

"Do you want the truth then?"

"That would be helpful, son" Mr. Dr. P answered.

"I'm a time-traveler." I said with a smile. "They told me I was sent back to 'put right what once went wrong' or something to that effect." I shrugged. "I guess that means I'm here to safeguard your future."

Kim didn't seem impressed. "Prove it."

I rattled off the few bits of canon I remembered, smirking as I watched Mr. Dr. P's jaw drop. Kim on the other hand, seemed more royally pissed off than anything else.

Before she could chew me out, a woman's voice rang out. "That's enough, Kimberly." Mrs. Dr. P walked into the living room with a simple notebook tucked under an arm. She yawned. "We were just making sure he was who he said he was. Now if you take this," She handed me the notebook. "I'll take _this_," She grabbed Mr. Dr. P by the collar. "And we'll get out of your hair. Nice seeing you Mic- Jack." Mrs. Dr. P forced a smile and dragged her husband out of the room.

…Which meant I was left alone with the agitated cheerleading mercenary. Yay.

Kim shot me a look I couldn't quite place, so I decided to ask a stupid question. "What's up?"

"Oh nothing, I was just wondering if I could get dressed in peace this time." Kim said icily.

I looked her over since she was already clad in her usual green top and blue capris. "Aren't you dressed already?" I asked as I wondered what she had meant by 'this time'.

Kim rolled her eyes. "You didn't answer my question."

"Um…yes, yes you can."

She laughed and shook her head. "You really don't remember, do you?" She muttered as she walked away.

"Remember what?" When she didn't answer, I shrugged and took a look at the book in my hands. The phrase, "Don't Panic" was written on the cover in large, friendly letters. I recognized the handwriting as my own and began to suspect temporal shenanigans. Only one way to find out…

-0-0-0-

_Dear Jack,_

_Hi there! As you've probably guessed by now, I'm you. Well, a future you. I'm leaving you this book in order to ensure you live long enough to become me. To that end, I'm going to share some info I've picked up along the way. _

_1) The Ultimatrix has a twenty-minute time limit and a ten-minute recharge period. 2) We are extremely resistant to magic, but not immune. 3) We have no other powers or any sort of plot armor. We can die meaninglessly if we aren't careful. 4) Grab loot whenever you can. 5) You have twelve hours; make 'em count._

_As for the rest, well, you know what they say. Spoilers…_

-0-0-0-

I guessed that explained why they bought my time-traveler story so easily. It didn't really explain why or how I had ended up in Middleton, but at least it sort of proved I wasn't dreaming since I was able to read. The fact that I "only had twelve hours" was ominous as well. I didn't know if that meant I was dealing with a Groundhog Day situation or a-

"Is it uncomfortable?" Jim asked, materializing from nowhere and poking at my wrist. The sudden intrusion derailed my train of thought.

"Za? What are-"

"Why's the hourglass all glowy?" Tim asked before I could answer his brother.

"Is what uncomfortable? What hourglass?"

"Your gauntlet." Jim said, pointing at my left wrist.

"That one." Tim echoed, also pointing at my left wrist.

Not entirely sure where the conversation was going, I decided to humor the boys and looked at my wrist. "Oh, _that _hourglass." I couldn't believe it. The piece of plastic scrap I had been wearing last night had somehow morphed into an honest-to-Primus Lv. 20 DNA alterer. I facepalmed as I realized part of what future me was trying to tell me. "And to answer your questions, not in the slightest and blue means it rebooting"

I belatedly noticed that I was still wearing the rest of my Halloween costume, which consisted of a dark grey, short-sleeved jumpsuit and a cruddy pair of sneakers. That struck me as particularly odd since I definitely remembered getting in late and changing before I passed out.

"Hey Jack," Tim said, tapping my shoulder. "It stopped glowing."

"It did?" I glanced at the _Ultimatrix_ on my wrist. "Yes it did." I commented. "Want to go see if it works?" I asked conspiratorially, lowering my voice so as to not be overheard.

Jim & Tim's eyes practically sparkled when they answered in unison, "Do you even have to ask?"

"Eh, wasn't sure." I said as I fiddled with the Watch, trying to get the control dial to pop up. Remembering Ben's advice to Vilgax, I pressed and twisted the sides of the hourglass. It worked and a small hologram appeared. I laughed when I saw who it was. "Gentleman, we may need to step outside."

The twins led me outside, and after making sure there weren't any witnesses, I brought my hand down, transforming into Heatblast.

It's hard to describe the transformation process, as it's over in an instant, but here goes. Your entire body goes numb, and I swear you can hear all the squishing, squelching, and crunching as your body is altered. Then, before you know it, the transformation's complete and you're somebody or something else. It certainly is a trip.

Before I got to ponder the philosophical implications of what had just happened, I heard the twins celebrate.

"Hicka-bicka-boo?" Tim asked, extending a fist to his brother.

"Hoo-sha!" Jim answered, completing the fist bump.

I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help grinning like a madman. I was a Pyronite for Prime's sake! I snapped my fingers and a little ball of flame flickered into existence above my thumb. I grabbed it with my other hand and rolled it between my fingers like a marble.

On a whim, I tossed the fireball skyward. It arced high into the sky before exploding with a satisfying boom.

"Cool." Jim commented.

"What else ya got?" Tim asked eagerly.

I smirked and snapped my fingers again. Five shimmering fireballs formed above my fingertips, and I began juggling them lazily. "You ain't seen nothing yet." I said confidently.

-0-0-0-

The tricks started off simply enough, just some basic juggling that I learned in middle school. When the twins started looking bored, I decided to mix it up a bit. It… escalated from there. I'd rather not talk about it, if you don't mind. We just met after all.

Anyways, the Middleton fire department had managed to keep the fire contained to the one garden and tree house. They ended up dismissing eyewitness testimony that said a clumsy 'charcoal man' had started the blaze, as there was a definite lack of charcoal men in the area.

I finally emerged from my hidey-hole when the last of the fire department had departed. I had developed a headache, which was worsening by the second, so I decided to try and bum some aspirin off the Possibles.

I had just crossed the threshold when my head imploded. I fell to the ground, clutching my skull as the pain suddenly spiked tenfold. It felt like my brain was trying to mine his way free of my head. Before I knew it, someone was cradling me in their arms. I couldn't make out who it was, hell, I couldn't even see straight.

I just wanted the pain to stop. I _needed_ it to stop. I heard a strange whoosh, I ceased to exist for a moment, and the pain suddenly subsided.

-0-0-0-

I sighed and opened my eyes, planning to thank the person who had tried to help me. The problem was that I found myself alone. More importantly, I didn't even think I was in Middleton anymore. I looked around the hall I suddenly occupied, and figured it was either a sewer or some kind of ship. I quickly realized the answer when a Grunt walked around the corner, humming happily to itself. It saw me and stopped humming as it drew a Needler. Oh boy.

**_A/N_: And that's the end of chapter 1. If you read the original incarnation, you'd notice I didn't change much, save for a few lines I felt were out of place. Whatever your opinion of it, let me know via a comment or a PM, and I'll try to do better next time. Until then, good night and good luck. -Closing theme: Short Hair by Blues Saraceno-**


	2. Worst Contact Ever

**Ultimate Adventure**

**_A/N_: So, you stuck it out and clicked next chapter, eh? Thank ya kindly. Hope you like it. -Opening Theme: Berserker by Blues Saraceno-**

Chapter 2: Worst Contact…Ever.

_Monachus Frigus_, the lowest (i.e. bastich) caste of the Covenant. Colloquially known as Grunts, they were never considered credible threats by UNSC personnel. While this may have been true for the trained military operatives, I saw them in a different light. I was just an idiot with a fancy watch. It was an armed soldier that had sighted an enemy. You do the math.

-0-0-0-

"I see bad guy!" the Grunt, who I recognized as a Minor, yelled in alarm.

I raised my hand slowly and gave the alien my best disarming smile. "Hey buddy, it's ok." I said reassuringly. "We're all friends here."

The Grunt gulped loudly and the Needler started wobbling dangerously. I took a step forward and the Grunt took an involuntary step back, nearly dropping his weapon. I wondered if…

"Boo?" I said hesitantly.

That did it. The Grunt screamed in terror, dropping the Needler as he turned tail and fled. "Not _me_!" He wailed as he disappeared back around the corner.

Chuckling, I recovered the fallen Type-33 and a few discarded magazines. It was surprisingly light, which I was grateful for since I hadn't held a gun in years. I was planning on going alien at the first sign of trouble anyway, but it was nice to have some insurance since the Covenant were gonna be much tougher than the soda bottles I was used to.

I patted the side of the gun lovingly, stopped paying attention to where my other hand was, and accidentally pulled the trigger. The Needler spat out a glowing pink crystal, which impacted harmlessly against the wall. "Right, I should probably keep my fingers away from there." I commented out loud.

Needler in hand, I walked down the hallway, planning to put as much distance as possible between myself and the cowardly Grunt.

-0-0-0-

The walk was boring, since the identical hallways were all devoid of life. I paused to consider that, but I was interrupted by the Ultimatrix, which had begun beeping incessantly. I activated the dial, which did nothing. I yelled at it, which did nothing. I tried reasoning with the stupid thing, which, unsurprisingly, did absotively nothing. I even tried ignoring it, but it didn't care! It just kept _deliberately_ and _maliciously_ beeping at me! I let a frustrated scream and began poking it, thinking that I would beat it at its own game.

I finally triggered the comms feature through sheer luck and the beeping stopped. It was replaced by a noise infinitely more infuriating, my older brother Sean.

"See?" He said, presumably to someone other than me. "I told you it didn't do anything. Now come on, we gotta stash the Warthog before someone sees it."

"Sean." I said calmly.

"Ugh, seriously?" I heard Evan, my younger brother, answer. "Can I drive it at least?"

"_Sean_." I repeated a bit more forcefully.

"No way!" Sean said. "You're only ten, dude. That'd be irresponsible. You check the repulsors and _I'll_ take care of the Warthog."

"Sean!" I finally yelled.

"What, Jack? Can't you see I'm in the middle of…" He trailed off. "Jack! What the Tartarus man? Where are you?"

"Covenant ship. Ran into a Grunt. Got a gun."

"What." Sean deadpanned.

"Seriously, Jack?" Evan interjected. "Where are you? You would not believe the day we've had."

I smirked. "Dude, I think I got you beat in that regard."

"Oh yeah? We fought a pack of blonde robots this morning and we have a Warthog chilling in our backyard right now."

"What." I deadpanned, echoing Sean's earlier disbelief.

"Yeah, it was the weirdest thing. Bucking _Bebes_, straight out of Kim Possible." Marco said flippantly.

My blood ran cold. "And I'm assuming it's a Warthog from Halo, not Pumbaa?"

"…"

"Sean?"

"How did you know that, Jack?" Sean asked quietly. "Where are you, honestly?"

I sighed. "I woke up in Kim Possible's living room a few hours ago. Now I'm wandering through a semi-deserted Covenant ship."

"You were serious?"

"As a case of Cosmic Rust."

"Is that bad?" Evan asked.

"Very." Sean and I said simultaneously.

Before our conversation could continue, the ship suddenly pitched to the right. The tenuous link to my brothers broke, and it was eerily silent as the artificial gravity adjusted itself.

UNKNOWN DNA SIGNATURE DETECTED. ERROR; SIGNATURE CONTAINS TRACES OF _HOMO SAPIENS_ DNA, AS WELL AS SEVERAL UNKNOWN SPECIES.

I looked around, trying to locate the speaker, who sounded a _lot_ like Yuri Lowenthal. On a hunch, I looked at my wrist. The Ultimatrix was glowing yellow.

INITIATE SCAN?

"Uh." I said eloquently. "No thank you?"

REQUEST ACKNOWLEDGED.

The Watch beeped affirmatively before resuming its usual green hue. I idly wondered why it hadn't spoken up earlier, before realizing that the last thing I needed was to turn into a Grunt when I was hoping for Four Arms or Shocksquatch.

I was debating trying to call my brothers back, when I saw it. A faint shimmer in the air, which some of people might have dismissed as a trick of the light. I, on the other hand, had seen 'Predator' and remembered that active camouflage was a thing here.

I drew a bead on the shimmer, which had stopped moving, and fired my Needler. The active camo abruptly cut out as its user deftly dodged a volley of Needler rounds. The spikes homed in on the Combat Form anyway, exploding in burst of blue light.

I dropped the Needler unceremoniously (I had emptied the clip and didn't have time to figure out how to reload it) and activated the Ultimatrix, transforming into Heatblast with a flash of emerald light.

The Combat Form lunged at me, wielding an energy sword in its non-ravaged arm. The plasma blade connected with my arm, but thankfully, it didn't cut through. Grimacing, I pushed the mutated Sangheili back, breathing a stream of fire for good measure.

The creature reeled back, dropping its sword in the process. I had inflicted some first-degree burns, which did nothing except piss off the Combat Form. It snarled at me before lunging again. Tackling me to the ground, the Combat Form started clubbing me with its tentacles, ignoring the flames that began rapidly consuming its body.

I struggled to escape, cranking up the heat to try and rid myself of the beast. The Combat Form eventually succumbed to the extensive _fifth_-degree burns I had given it and I threw its charred corpse off. I got to my feet, took a deep breath, and unleashed a white-hot torrent of flames, totally incinerating the body and warping some of the nearby metal.

I stepped back from the glowing metal and did my damnedest to bring my breathing under control. My hands were shaking as I tapped the control dial on my chest to try and return to normal. It didn't work, so I had the unfortunate pleasure of vomiting as a Pyronite. The lava-like substance crackled on the floor for a few seconds before cooling rapidly.

I wiped a few drops of magma from my mouth, flicking them to the ground in disgust. I took a deep breath to steady my nerves, and tried the control dial again. I succeeded the second time.

I rubbed my eyes, as it had been a very long Thursday. It was one of the few days I still hadn't gotten the hang of (I'm looking at you, _Tuesday_).

After I had collected myself, I recovered the empty Needler and snagged the newly-liberated energy sword. I sighed and kept moving forward.

-0-0-0-

The air stank of burnt flesh and molten metal as a result of my second brush with the Flood and a part of me seriously contemplated becoming a vegetarian if I survived. There wasn't much I could do other than renew the wall of flames keeping the Flood at bay. I had been stalling for quite some time and the parasitic bastiches had wised up after I vaporized the first dozen Flood Forms that got within range.

So we settled into an uneasy détente, a game I was sure to lose if I didn't come up with a plan within the next few minutes. I knew the second the Watch timed out, I was done for. The Flood would assimilate me faster than you could say _Inferi redivivus_.

Since I couldn't go backward (I welded the doors shut as a "precaution"), I decided to just charge forward and hope for the best. I parted the flames with a gesture and ran through, letting off little plumes of flame to push the Flood away. I concentrated for a few seconds and the wall of fire responded, flaring up and singeing the closest Combat Forms.

I didn't have time to savor my "victory", as there were still a large number of Flood on my tail. I entered a small chamber which was, to my horror, filled with feeding Infection Forms. I stopped abruptly, a small bead of 'sweat' dripping off and landing with a quiet sizzle. "Son of a bast-" The immature Flood attacked en masse, a living sea of violence and death that ignored the fact that I wasn't even edible.

Projecting a stream of fire with one hand and launching fireballs with the other, I managed to stem the tide and keep myself from being overrun. Something snapped inside and I started screaming, the temperature spiking considerably as my emotions supercharged my flames. The Infection Forms began bursting from the heat but kept advancing, completely ignoring the fact that they were getting vaporized in their single-minded pursuit of yours truly.

When I felt I had thinned the crowd enough to pass through, I bolted, sprinting across the red hot metal chamber as the horde from earlier entered behind me. I could hear screams and sizzling as the newcomers began cooking in the virtual oven I had left the chamber as.

I leapt through the entryway, melted the electronic lock, and fused the door shut to try and buy myself some time to think. The Watch suddenly timed out and I broke out in a cold sweat as I looked around for the inevitable Flood presence. After a few seconds of not being mutilating, I figured I'd caught a small break.

I checked the energy sword, which was dangling from my hip, and the Needler, which was somehow attached to my back. They were fine and fully functional, though I didn't understand how they were sticking to my jumpsuit. Shrugging, I decided to not question it and focused on the bigger issue. Namely, how the hell I was going to survive the next ten minutes while the Watch recharged. The cacophonous pounding coming from the other side of the door only helped to highlight the reason I needed an actual plan.

I couldn't fight them as a normal Human with no military training and a fancy knife, it'd be a suicide. But there was next to no way I'd be able to hide from the Flood long enough for the Ultimatrix to finish recharging, so that was out.

In the end, I figured that if I could recreate the phenomena that brought me here, I could use it to escape the Flood infested ship I was otherwise trapped on. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the sensation I had felt before I spontaneously appeared in front of that random Grunt. I found it after a few terrifying seconds, disappearing with a quiet whoosh.

-0-0-0-

I opened my eyes and found myself in a small living room. My elation at escaping assimilation died as I heard a young woman scream something in Japanese. There were five girls in the room with me: two were wearing blue bracelets, two were wearing red ones, and the last wasn't wearing one at all. Out of the frying pan…

**_A/N_: And here we are again. You know the deal kiddies, I can't get better without feedback. Comment, PM, hell, I'll watch for smoke signals if I have to. -Closing Theme: Short Hair by Blues Saraceno-**


	3. Grün

**Ultimate Adventure**

_**A/N**_**: Hey there folks, I'm BozarBoy and this is the 3rd chapter of my little fic. It was supposed to go up on Independence Day (America! Fuck yeah?), but work and other "responsibilities" took precedence. So it's going up at like 2 in the morning the following morning. Which you'd (probably) know since you're reading this. -Opening Theme: Berserker by Blues Saraceno-  
**

Chapter 3: Grün

George Jefferson once said, "When, in the course of human events, one finds oneself in a penthouse full of anime girls…" Ok, so Mr. Jefferson probably doesn't have an applicable quote for this particular situation; also, I'm pretty sure he was a sitcom character and not the first Secretary of State. Regardless, I doubt he'd be able to help me out here anyway…unless he brought his Zanpakuto or a Gundam (which would be awesome).

-0-0-0-

The universe (or multiverse as it were) had, in its infinite wisdom, dropped me into an undubbed version of Kämpfer. My rudimentary grasp of Spanish aside (Me llamo es biblioteca!), I knew a few phrases in Italian and German. I knew even less Japanese. Ideally, this wouldn't have been a problem since the Ultimatrix supposedly had a universal translator. Except that it wasn't working for Primus knows what reason.

Naturally, I tried to play along like I actually understood anyway, nodding or shaking my head when it seemed appropriate based on the girls' body language and tone of voice. I figured it would work long enough for me to come up with an actual plan. I did a (hopefully) inconspicuous weapons check, confirming that the Ultimatrix was good to go and that my other weapons were safe & secured to my person.

I swallowed nervously as I scanned the room and sized up the other occupants. Shizuku (ice queen & Schwert-type) was facing me defiantly, as was Mikoto (unlucky childhood friend & Schwert-type), and they seemed to be fighting over who got to interrogate me. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Kaede (bastich) and Akane (tsundere & Gewehr-type) were hiding behind Natsuru (gender-bent harem hero & Zauber-type), who was doing hi…he… shkler best to not look terrified.

So the entire main cast was there, and it seemed like I had popped in during the sleepover episode. That meant that if I made one wrong move, Shizuku would probably shred me with her chainblades, Mikoto would probably impale me with her katana, Akane would shoot me in the face, Kaede would either transmogrify me and rape me to death (or just brainwash me), and Natsuru would try to attack me before panicking and reverting back to shkler male form.

In other words, the next five minutes were going to be rather unpleasant.

I started humming a little tune by Hall & Oates as I deliberately reached for my Needler, unholstering it with a flourish. Since gun was a universal language, I got the reaction I was counting on. With Kaede in the room, I guessed that the Kämpfer would be more concerned with keeping their secret than transforming and kicking my ass into next week. Grinning, I aimed the Needler at Natsuru, since shkle was a) the weakest link and 2) the group love interest. As long as I kept threatening shklim without actually hurting shklim, I could keep shkler murderous harem at bay.

The room was eerily silent save for my humming, as neither I nor the girls were willing to make the next move. After three tension filled minutes, Shizuku took a step forward and I panicked, adjusting my aim and squeezing the trigger once before regaining my senses. The Needler somehow spat out a glowing pink crystal, which raced toward the kuudere swordswoman. Before it could land, _Kaede_ of all people leapt in front of her, catching the crystal spike in her chest. She cried out in pain before passing out, which was enough to get me to freeze up. "Oh _scrap_." I started in English. "I thought it was em-"

Natsuru launched a rage-fueled fireball at me, which missed by picometers and blew out the wall behind me, and the other Kämpfer transformed while I was distracted. Shizuku seemed to teleport in front of me, she kicked me out of the freshly-made hole, and I lost my grip on the Needler as I sailed out of the apartment.

To make matters worse, I had forgotten that the apartment was essentially a penthouse, which meant I was now plummeting towards the ground from a few dozen stories up. I blindly fumbled for the Watch and transformed into Benmummy, because go frag myself apparently.

-0-0-0-

My main thought as I fell? How much of a pain it was going to be to rename Benmummy. I mean, the name didn't exactly roll off the tongue, and I wasn't even named Ben, so… That name had to go.

Ok, that isn't the truth. Sorry.

In actuality, I spent the first few seconds of my fall crying and gibbering like an idiot. Then I realized I could _maybe_ survive if I could just figure out _Kharis_' (can't beat the classics!) abilities before I became a grease stain on the rapidly-approaching pavement. Unfortunately, Ben had only used the Thep Khufan form in like, two episodes, so there wasn't really much to go on.

I knew he was super-elastic and kind of light, which meant… I could do _this!_ I stretched my arm toward a conveniently placed flag pole, the limb unraveling as it shot away from me. After a few terror-inducing moments, my distended hand wrapped around the pole, and I started swinging. Spying a neon sign jutting out of a nearby building, I let go of the pole and reached for the sign. I quickly settled into a rhythm of sign swinging as I made my way down the street.

I relaxed considerably as I swung, which naturally meant that I soon heard a gunshot before something sliced through my arm and I started falling. I tumbled end over end as I fell, finally landing with a massive crack as my headdress smashed into the ground. I rubbed my head as I unsteadily climbed my feet, groaning all the while. The gun barked three more times and I felt three bullets pass through the spot where my heart would've been if I was human.

Since Thep Khufans didn't have hearts (or any internal organs really), I lucked out, suffering from some mild stinging instead of, well, death. As they are often wont to do, my multiple gunshot wounds jolted me awake. I turned around in the nick of time, dodging a clumsy overhead strike from Mikoto. I was about to crack a joke when Shizuku jumped in, shredding my left arm and a good portion of my torso with her chainblades. I reeled back, more out of surprise than pain, and the Schwert-types forced me on the defensive.

They were hacking me apart faster than I could regenerate, and my upper body was soon a raggedy mess thanks to the efforts of the relentless Kämpfer. There were strips of cloth littered across the ground, serving as tacit reminders of the danger I was in. I finally caught a break when an errant shot of Akane's clipped Mikoto, distracting the girl long enough for me to land a jab.

Shizuku vanished again, presumably stepping away to lecture Akane on the finer points of friendly fire, leaving me alone with Mikoto. I traded blows with the henshin samurai, my fists versus her katana. Most of my punches missed, but I knew that the few I landed had to hurt like a bastich. Thankfully, without Shizuku in the picture, my healing factor was more than able to keep up with the damage Mikoto inflicted.

Curiosity struck then, and I found myself looking around to see what had happened to Shizuku (and Akane by extension). They were standing not even twenty feet away, arguing over something in Japanese.

A sudden impalement brought me back to the fight at hand, and I heard Mikoto curse as I slipped off the blade and the wound closed up instantly. She had gained the advantage while I was distracted, which I intended to rectify as soon as Thep Khufanly possible. I got my chance when her sword bit into one of my bracers with a meaty thunk, firmly lodging itself in my arm. Smirking, I half-turned, pulling the swordswoman forward, and smashed her in the face with my free elbow.

The blade was dislodged by the force of the blow, and a thin trail of blood streamed from her nose as her head snapped back. I took a couple steps back, trying to put some space between myself and the undoubtedly pissed-off Kämpfer.

To my surprise, Mikoto casually wiped away the blood and sniffed nonchalantly. She held her katana in front of her and said something that I assumed involved honorable combat or some scrap to that effect. I shrugged, thinking it wasn't really the time or place to be thinking about "honor". Apparently Shizuku thought the same thing.

A thrown chainblade knifed through the air and I narrowly avoided it by falling on my ass. I scrambled to my feet in time to get kicked in the face by Shizuku, and was promptly shot by Akane about six times. Mikoto shouted something, I think in protest, but I couldn't afford to pay much attention to her. After all, the duel chainblade wielding murderess took precedence.

-0-0-0-

I mentioned Kharis' healing factor earlier, right? How it rendered kinetic weaponry useless and all that jazz? Yeah, the Kämpfer seemed to have a hard time understanding that. In the meantime, Shizuku did her best to make confetti out of me while Akane practiced her ballistic hole punching skills on my head.

It was frightfully unpleasant.

-0-0-0-

I grew numb as I slowly learned to tune out the pain flaring across my body, which allowed me to **finally **catch Shizuku's arm midswing. She struggled against my grip and I only squeezed harder as I began snaking up her arm. I overtook her arm, quickly enveloped her body in gauze, and began constricting. I held her like that until she stopped struggling. As soon as I was sure she was out, I unraveled, checking her pulse before I did anything else.

…

And there it was! It was faint, but definitely still there. I sighed in relief, as I wasn't really looking forward to having another death on my hands. Killing Flood was one thing, strangling a girl because of a misunderstanding was a whole other ballgame.

A scream and a fusillade of pistol rounds reminded me that Akane was still a problem, as was Mikoto, who I was sure would spring up any- _SWISH!_

Mikoto had missed by a mile, burying her sword in the concrete. There were tears in the swordswoman's eyes as she pulled her katana free and swung again. Yep, saw that coming.

I forcibly disengaged the Schwert-type, choosing to get rid of Akane first. To Akane's credit, she stood her ground, not moving an inch as I sprinted toward her. The Gewehr-type simply unloaded round after round into my linen hide, not caring that I wasn't slowing down in the least.

I leapt in the air, hoping to pull off some sort of aerial takedown, when I was blindsided by an exploding fireball. The blast sent me flying and I crashed into the ground, smoking. To my horror, a few strips had caught fire and were slowly burning away. I ripped the lit bits off my body and threw them to the ground in a panic.

My breath came out in ragged bursts as I watched the gauze burn up, fully aware how lucky I had gotten. Just imagine if those flames had spread… I swallowed nervously before looking up, finding Natsuru, wielding two fireballs, flanked by Mikoto and Akane.

Seeing as I had barely managed to beat one Kämpfer, and that I was now facing three (including the only one who could actually kill me), I decided to retre- _tactically withdraw_.

The Watch started timing out as I focused on escaping the Kämpfer 'verse, closing my eyes in concentration. I morphed back seconds before disappearing with a quiet whoosh.

-0-0-0-

I opened my eyes and cackled maniacally. I had done it! No crazy magical murder girls, no threat of immediate immolation, only an empty room with a weird pedestal in the center. Curious, I approached the pedestal and discovered it was holding a bunch of stone octagons. I did a quick circuit around it, confirming that there were twelve octagons, each branded with a different animal from the Chinese Zodiac. I knew where I was! And it was full of slapstick. Wunderbar.

_**A/N**_**: Mummies, gratuitous German, and anime broads for days! If ya liked or loathed it, let me know in a review or PM and I'll take your suggestions into consideration. Good night and good luck peoples. -Closing Theme: Short Hair by Blues Saraceno-**


	4. Technical Borrowing

**Ultimate Adventure**

_**A/N**_**: BozarBoy here, with the 4th chapter of my little fan fic. Our hapless protag is finally going to start getting a leg up on world (or worlds as the case may be), but he's not out of the woods just yet. No, he's still got to take his lumps before the journey can begin in earnest. '-Opening Theme: Berserker by Blues Saraceno-**

Chapter 4: Technical Borrowing

It all starts with the Jerry. Seems weird, but that's the Shēngxiào rolls. The Jerry is followed by the Minotaur, the Tigger, the Oswald, the Dovah, the Orochimaru, the Earther, the Pope Lick Monster, the Goku, the Foghorn Leghorn, the Doge, and concludes with the Old Major.

What most people don't know, is that the Shēngxiào was actually cribbed from Shendu, an ancient demon sorcerer of fire. It's the truth folks, no matter how bizarre it sounds.

-0-0-0-

I started feeling the toll of my battle with the Kämpfer as the adrenaline rush began wearing off, the most noticeable being a dull stinging on my forehead and cheek. I touched the areas in question tenderly, wincing at even the lightest contact. My hand came back covered in sticky, dark red blood. I stared at my hand like an idiot, unable to fully process what I was seeing. I started shaking, and thinking I was going into shock, I decided to ignore my aching body and focus on the Talismans.

Now, there were twelve of them, and each granted a unique magical ability to the being holding it. Seeing as how I was down one ranged weapon (I just realized I had dropped my Needler), I decided that a boatload of mystic loot would help even the odds. The problem was, I only had so much pocket space and wouldn't be able to snag all the Talismans.

I dismissed the Monkey immediately, as the ability to magically shapeshift was redundant since I had the Ultimatrix. Thinking a bit, I eventually decided that the Sheep (astral projection), Tiger (yin-yang division), and Rat (animation) weren't exactly battle-ready powers, so they weren't worth stea-_borrowing_ either.

That left the other eight, which I snatched from the pedestal with gusto. I dumped the Talismans onto the floor and began systematically trying them out.

I started with the Ox, since super-strength would **always** come in handy. I flexed experimentally, not feeling much stronger, but I chalked it up to my magic resistance. I took a deep breath and threw a jab at the Talisman pedestal, expecting to annihilate the structure. One painful yelp and a bruised hand later, I discarded the Talisman and moved on to the next.

So, super-speed courtesy of the Rabbit would definitely make up for my lack of super-strength. After all, if I could I attack someone sixty-seven times in the blink of an eye, who cared if I couldn't bench press a semi? Once again, I didn't feel much faster, but I dismissed it as another fluke. I took a deep breath and sprinted forward, whooping as the world around me blurred as I accelerated faster than light itself. Except I didn't at all actually. If anything, I was running slower than normal! Sighing, I tossed the wonky Talisman over my shoulder.

I grabbed the Dragon and whirled around, intending to incinerate the faulty Talismans with a vicious volley of mystic fireblasts. I felt the chakra/ki build up within the Talisman and laughed as I had found one that worked. I screamed in frustration when only a tiny flame flickered into existence and the Dragon Talisman turned out to be nothing more than an ornate lighter in my hands. I hurled it against the wall and grabbed the Snake and Horse Talismans.

Breathing heavily, I tried to turn myself invisible and failed. On the upside, I actually felt a slight warmth in my forehead, which I naturally poked out of curiosity. The pain had lessened considerably and my cut (or whatever it was) was no longer slowly leaking blood. I relaxed a little and stuffed the Horse Talisman into my pocket before dropping the useless Snake and moving onto the next pair.

I skipped over the Dog in favor of the Rooster and Pig Talismans. My plan (if the Talismans worked) was to levitate the worthless Talismans and fry them with a pair of optic blasts. To absolutely no one's surprise, the Talismans didn't work. My "telekinesis" was barely able to wobble a single Talisman, and I'd be surprised if my "optic blasts" could pop a balloon.

I thumbed the Horse Talisman in my pocket as I idly tossed the wonktastic Talismans into the growing P.O.S. pile. One out of twelve wasn't bad, right? It was better than none at all!

Then again, I hadn't checked the Dog yet. Based on a prior experience, it wasn't going to be worth scrap, but I figured I didn't have anything to lose by giving it a shot.

I approached the final Talisman carefully, one could almost say reverently. I scooped it up and exploded.

-0-0-0-

I meant exploded as in "instantly pepped up", not "instantly effed up". I probably should've been clearer. Sorry.

Anyways, I did a stupid little dance as the Dog Talisman pumped me full of chakra/ki, which combined with the healing Horse factor to erase my anxiety and patch up my lingering wounds. I was back at 100% within a couple minutes, which was a nice change of pace compared to my previous misadventures.

I glared at the P.O.S. pile as I pocketed the Dog Talisman. "Yeah, this is where the _good_ Talismans go, you bastiches." I told them sternly, shaking my head in disapproval. All I needed was a pipe and some fatherly finger wagging experience and I'd be set.

-0-0-0-

I replaced the Talismans quickly and carelessly, and was about to move on (I should probably come up with a proper name for the whooshing, right?) when a bunch of klaxons started blaring and the vault door began creaking open. Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to stick around.

When the door finally opened fully, there were three orange elves with glowing blue tattoos on the other side. Curiously, it seemed that they were the original Dark Chi Warriors, so I guessed I was somewhere in the third season.

I waved at them cheerfully, which prompted the trio to mystically summon their weapons. A staff flowed into the leftmost DCW's hands, the bald DCW forged a sledgehammer out of fire, and the final DCW's weapon (an oversized shuriken) materialized in a puff of smoke. I activated the Watch blindly and transformed into Cannonbolt before stumbling backward and inadvertently morphing into ball form.

Hamilton swung his hammer horizontally, sending me flying toward one of the walls of the Talisman Vault. I rebounded off the wall and smashed into him hard enough to dispatch him in a puff of blue smoke. I bounced once before I managed to stop myself and morph back out of ball mode. I swayed dizzily as I tapped the control dial on my chest and transformed into XLR8.

I shook my head to clear it before my visor slid into place. Bo & Ken shared a brief look of confusion before they leapt into action; Bo charged forward recklessly, staff held high while Ken tossed his pseudo-Fūma with frightening accuracy.

My newly acquired super-speed allowed me to dodge Bo's initial strikes, but it wasn't enough to avoid the mystic shuriken, which clipped one of my arms. I winced involuntarily, giving Bo the opportunity he needed to pummel me with his staff.

Ken flicked his head down, somehow recalling his pseudo-Fūma which I blocked using Bo's staff and a keen sense of timing. Maintaining my grip on the mystic er, stick, I whirled around and tossed Bo at Ken. Bo recovered in the air and used Ken as a willing springboard to launch another attack at me.

I blurred to the side and launched a flurry of jabs at the airborne DCW, not relenting until he vanished in a puff of blue smoke. Smirking beneath my visor, I turned to face the sole surviving DCW, only to get nailed by a tossed sledgehammer.

The wind was knocked out of me as I dropped to a knee, wheezing and gasping for breath. Before I could fully recover, I was nailed by an axe kick to the back of the head. My helmet slammed into the ground, cracking my visor slightly, and I tried to blink away the spots dancing in my eyes.

I heard one of the DCWs grunt in satisfaction and I warily picked my head off the ground to see what was up. Ken and Bo were flanking a stone-faced Hamilton, who had his oversized weapon raised over his head.

Eyes wide, I launched myself at the obviously overcompensating DCW, tackling him to the ground and punching him repeatedly. I leapt off him before his buddies could react, and began running laps around the vault. A small vortex began taking shape as I poured on the speed, frantically dodging the DCW's thrown weapons. Buffeted by the winds, the DCW were powerless to stop my high-speed hit & run tactics. I zig-zagged across the vault floor multiple times, slowly chipping away at the bastiches until I managed to dispatch the trio in three simultaneous puffs of smoke.

The threat momentarily averted, I slowed to a stop, panting heavily. I pressed the dial on my chest, reverting back to Human form, and I wiped the sweat from my brow. I plopped onto the floor, sucking in greedy gulps of air as I tried to relax.

-0-0-0-

"Yu Mo Gui Gwui Fai Di Zao!" A young girl shouted seconds before I was hit by a small lizard.

I slowly turned to find Jade Chan, a defiant expression on her face as she repeatedly whacked me with the dead lizard. I kept my face deliberately neutral as I climbed to my feet and activated the Ultimatrix.

"Uh, what are you-" She started before I cut her off with a raised finger.

I smiled as I found the alien I was looking for and transformed into Big Chill. She took a step back as I slowly unfurled my wings and laughed menacingly. "Be excellent to each other." I hissed, forming a fine layer of frost on the floor in front of me.

"Huh?" Jade asked with a confused expression on her face.

"Party on dudes!" I howled as I leapt over her head and flew out of the vault. I soared through the halls of Section 13, avoiding various agents and the occasional member of the Chan clan as I tried to figure out what to do next.

I flew about aimlessly until I accidentally activated my intangibility. It was freaky, since I had also become translucent and could somewhat see through my hands. Distracted by that simple factoid, I failed to notice I was phasing through walls until I found myself in an empty room. I hovered idly while I tried to figure out how to turn solid again until the Watch timed out and I landed on my feet. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose before I made the decision to bail.

I checked that my e-sword was still clipped to my hip (it was) and that the Talismans I had borrowed were still in my pocket (they were) before I tried to disappear.

Actually, that reminded me, I did need to come up with a decent name for my 'power' as it were. I pursed my lips as I brainstormed potential monikers, until I was left with "leaping", "sliding", and "bamfing". I dismissed "sliding" immediately, as I wasn't really trekking through parallel realities. Truth be told, the best analogy I could think of was that I was popping into various universes, but that sounded kind of stupid. It did make me think that "bamfing" would be a suitable alternative, as there did seem to be an audible aspect to my ability. No smoke, but you can't win 'em all, right?

Satisfied with my name choice, I concentrated and _bamfed _out.

-0-0-0-

I found myself in a bathroom curiously devoid of urinals. When the first woman screamed and threw something at me, I figured out why. A brunette with a very familiar voice dragged me out, straight into a brick wall. Blinking, I realized it wasn't a wall at all, just an improbably muscular guy in a suit. My jaw dropped as I recognized Clark Kent, who calmly asked what I thought I was doing in the ladies room.

_**A/N**_**: Yeah, he's finally leveled up! It ain't much but he's at least gained a healing factor and (potential) immortality. Though, it isn't exactly something you'd test for... Anyways, let me know your thoughts in a review or PM and I'll do whatever I can to address the issue. Until next time, good night and good luck. -Closing Theme: Short Hair by Blues Saraceno-**


	5. Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome

**Ultimate Adventure**

_**A/N**_**: You remember that story I mentioned a few chapters back, Sleeping With the Girls? Well, I found a similar story on the Spacebattles forum thanks to _Selias_. It's the same basic concept, but handled in a decidedly different way by yet another clever author. If you want to check it out (and you should since it's awesome), look up The Afterlife Is Not For Me by _sonicfan315_. That's all I got for now. -Opening Theme: Berserker by Blues Saraceno-  
**

Chapter 5: Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome

He was the Last Son of Krypton, the Big Blue Boy Scout, and defender of Truth, Justice, and the American Way. I was the Middle Son of Osbourne, the Pragmatic Nomad, and defender of Freedom, Reasonably Priced Love, and Hardboiled Eggs.

Together, we fought crime!

Well not exactly, but a boy can dream can't he?

-0-0-0-

"I asked you a question, son." Mr. Kent asked as a hint of irritation crept into his voice.

I laughed nervously. "You know, just popped in to wash up." I said.

"In the _women's_ bathroom?" Lois asked before crossing her arms.

"Definitely explains the lack of urinals…" I muttered under my breath.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, uh- that was a mistake."

"_Really_?" Lois' voice teetered on the brink of incredulity and disbelief.

"Hey, you try hitchhiking from Keystone to Metropolis and we'll see how many stupid mistakes you make!" I snapped.

Mr. Kent's eyes widened. "Why would you do that?"

"Wasn't feeling it at my parents." I lied with a shrug. "So I bailed and came here to crash at my uncle's."

"Does he know you're here?" Mr. Kent asked, his expression softening a bit. "Do you need to call him?"

"Nah, I'll be alright." I assured him. "Just need to clean up a bit and I'll get out of your guys' hair."

"Speaking of which," Lois asked, wrinkling her nose. "I don't mean to pry, but how long have you been wearing that outfit?"

Hm. Well, I changed for the party around 6-ish… I quickly tallied up the time in my head. "I dunno, maybe twenty-nine hours?" I said before sniffing myself. I shuddered in disgust. I guessed fighting space-zombies, magical girls, smoke elves, and robbing quasi-governmental organizations tended to build up a sweat.

"Prime, I probably remind ya of the ol' farm, eh Clark?" I quipped.

The pair of reporters stared at me.

"What?" I asked before realizing my mistake. They had never told me their names. Well, I could always claim I recognized Lois from the T.V. or the radio, but what about Clark? "I mean, uh…"

"Do I know you?" Mr. Kent asked. His body language had changed completely, as if he was prepping himself for a fight. Lois didn't seem to notice.

"Yeah, just who are you exactly?" Lois added, sounding miffed. "I never caught your name."

"Who, me?" I grinned sheepishly. "I'm… I'm…" I paused as a truly ridiculous idea popped into my head. "I'm Clark's nephew, Chris." I said matter-of-factly. "Hey Uncle Clark, long time no see." I smiled confidently to hide my anxiety.

"Uncle?" Clark and Lois asked skeptically.

I nodded. "Eeyup. I'm the son of your cousin, George Reeves, remember?" I turned to Lois. "Clark is just the best uncle, even if he is a tad forgetful at times. The guy's like a superhero or something!" I glanced at Clark with a knowing smirk. Take the bait, take the bait, take the b-

"Oh! Chris?" Clark said with mock sincerity. "Is it really you?"

Yes! "Hi." I waved.

Lois swatted Clarks arm. "You let your underage nephew hitchhike across the country?" She asked indignantly.

"His mother said to stay here in Metropolis in case he was coming here." Clark protested. "I didn't even know what he looked like!"

"To be fair," I offered. "I did get _way_ taller."

Clark glared at me before continuing. "Anyway, now that he is here, I should probably take him home and call his parents." He said.

I snickered, which earned me a smack upside the head from Lois. "Hey, what'd I do?" I whined as I rubbed the back of my head.

The petite reporter shook her head disapprovingly. "That's for not appreciating how lucky you are to have such an understanding uncle." She said before offering me a hand. "Putting that aside, it's nice to meet you, Chris. I'm Lois Lane."

"So _you're_ the Lois I always hear Clark and my dad talk about?" I said while shaking her hand.

"I suppose I am." Lois said, arching an eyebrow as she glanced at Clark. "I trust it was nothing but glowing reviews, right Smallville?"

"I d-don't know what he's talking about, Lois." Clark answered, looking slightly flustered.

"Sure you do!" I chirped happily. "I mean, I even get what you meant by 'sparkling violet eyes' now."

Clark grabbed me by the arm and dragged me away before the conversation could go any further. "Sorry Lois, but we should get going. We can't keep his parents waiting!" He explained as we approached the elevators.

"Oh? Alright, see ya around, Lois!" I yelled before Clark practically tossed me into the nearest open elevator. He flew in after me, slammed the "close door" button, and the doors slid shut with a subdued 'ding'.

-0-0-0-

Laughing, I dusted myself off. "Dang dude, for a second there I was worried you'd-" I shut up when I saw Clark's expression.

"So, tell me again why I'm your favorite uncle." He said menacingly, eyes sporting a blood-red glow.

I stammered nonsensically as I tried to come up with either a satisfying answer or an exit strategy.

Clark _sneered_. "That's what I thought. So, who are you, really? How did you find out?"

"Um, my real name is J-Jack." I answered. "As for the how, well, would you believe that I'm a time-traveler?"

"Yeah sure, and I'm the Queen of England." Clark said with a derisive snort.

"Pleasure to meet ya, Your Highness." I quipped reflexively.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing!"

He sighed and his eyes returned to normal. "Look kid," He said. "I can see that you're not exactly a supervillain, but I need to know how you found out about me."

"I told you already, time travel."

"You're really going to stick with that?" He said as the elevator slowed to a stop and the doors pinged open.

"I'm not 'sticking' to anything." I insisted. "It's the truth, dude."

We stepped off the elevator and walked through the lobby of the Daily Planet building, not speaking lest anyone overhear our conversation. I used the interim silence to mull over a couple things that were bugging me.

The first and most glaring issue was Clark's attitude. I mean, he was a fragging _boy scout_ for Prime's sake, so I didn't get why he was acting like such a prick in the elevator.

Secondly, I didn't understand why he hadn't triggered the Ultimatrix. It should have gone into Capture Mode the second it detected his Kryptonian DNA. Unless he got zapped into a Human by some red kryptonite (which I supposed would explain the superdickery), it meant the Watch was acting up. With the way things were going (the translator blanking out and then the wonky scan function), I'd be lucky if I could use the Watch as a flashlight, let alone a morpher.

We reached the door before I could I come up with a plan to grab a shower and some new clothes, so I filed it away for Future Jack to worry about.

We had taken a few steps outside when a lab-coat clad man suddenly appeared in front of us. He looked amused as Clark tensed up and I took a step back while activating the Ultimatrix.

"Hello Jonathan, Ms. Kent." The man said politely. He sounded like Ducky, a simple fact which distracted me from the fact that he addressed Clark as "Ms." instead of "Mr."

"Hey, the name is…" I blinked and found myself alone, as the man (along with Clark) had vanished without a sound. "And I'm alone." I belatedly put two & two together and realized Professor Paradox had just kidnapped Superman. Neat.

-0-0-0-

Not really knowing what to do, but unwilling to bamf on (curiosity and whatnot), I sat on the curb outside the Daily Planet and played with the Watch.

"Wow, I didn't think you guys had such advanced tech back in the 20th century." a voice said to my right.

"It does not appear to be of Human design, sir." a mechanical voice quickly pointed out.

I turned to find a bored looking Booster Gold and Skeets chilling on the curb next to me.

"Dude, are you Booster Gold?" I asked.

"Yes, and I don't do autographs or pictures." He said dismissively.

"For anything less than $52 that is!" Skeets chirped.

I smirked. "I think I'll pass. I heard Blue Beetle was cooler anyway."

"Hey!" Booster said indignantly. "So I'm a little annoyed I have to play babysitter to some weird interdimensional kid for some singularity I've never even heard of." He huffed. "I'm a superhero, not a nanny."

"Right you are sir, as always." Skeets said encouragingly. "And that's the exact reason you're protecting him! Just imagine what would happen if Time Trapper or Mr. Mind got their hands on him."

"Not to interrupt you guys," I said. "But I am sitting right here." I laughed. "You could at least pretend to care."

"Probably."

"What he said." Booster echoed.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath. When I opened my eyes, Booster & Skeets had vanished and Paradox had reappeared, along with a very disgruntled-looking blonde. It took me a second to recognize her, since she was dressed like her 'Smallville' incarnation.

"My eyes are up here, slick." Kara Kent said as she misinterpreted my staring.

I arched an eyebrow and opened my mouth to explain when Paradox made a 'zip it' motion behind Kara's back. Trusting the timewalker, I kept my trap shut.

Paradox nudged Kara, who ignored him until he practically elbowed her in the face.

She took a step forward, absent-mindedly rubbing her neck as she mumbled something I didn't catch.

"That's no way to behave, Kara." Paradox chided playfully. "If you're not going to honor the terms of our agreement…"

Kara shot him a death glare before she straightened up and grabbed my hand. "Let's go, pervert." She commanded as she dragged me down the street.

Still confused, I looked to Paradox for answers, only to get waved off by the immortal timewalker.

UNKNOWN DNA SIGNATURE DETECTED. SCAN?

We suddenly stopped as a curiously familiar digitized voice rang out. It sounded like Yuri Lowen-

UNKNOWN DNA SIGNATURE DETECTED. SCAN?

I raised my left arm and glanced at the Watch, confirming my suspicions when I noticed it glowing yellow. It should've engaged automatically, but maybe there was a subspace delay because of the "distance" the signal had to travel? "Go for it."

REQUEST ACKNOWLEDGED.

A yellow beam of energy passed over Kara and the Watch turned blue as it performed a quick reboot.

"What just happened?" Kara asked curiously.

"I think I just sampled your DNA." I answered.

"Okay, cool." She said flippantly before we set off again.

Shrugging, I figured I could either annoy Kara into submission or gnaw off my own arm like a trapped coyote. "Are we there yet?" I whined after about fifteen seconds.

-0-0-0-

I was on the verge of escaping when we apparently reached our destination.

"Finally!" Kara whooped joyfully as she finally released my hand. "Any longer and I might have ripped your arm off to escape." She snorted. "Heck, I might have disarmed myself if it meant getting away."

"Gee thanks," I deadpanned. "I had a great time too." I massaged my palm to try and get some feeling back into my hand. "So, why have we stopped?"

"Because we're here, duh." Kara said condescendingly. "Look Jake, that pair of ducks guy promised he'd uh…do me a favor if I helped you out today." She sighed. "Don't mess this up for me."

"Dudette, it's Jack and Paradox." I clarified.

"Oh, sorry." Kara said rather sheepishly.

"S'ok. You mind telling me what this favor of yours is?"

"It's-" She visibly hesitated before continuing. "It's nothing. Come on, we gotta get you cleaned up." She wrinkled her nose. "You know, you really do smell like the farm.

"Naturally." I said with a smirk. "Where we headed?

Kara smiled. "In there." She said, tilting her head to indicate a nearby department store.

"Ah yes, shopping. The noblest of pastimes." I commented dryly.

"Shut up, it was Paradox's idea." She laughed.

"Sure it was."

"It was." She actually pulled out a signed note from Paradox to confirm her story.

"Alrighty then." I grinned. "After you milady."

-0-0-0-

I grabbed a few t-shirts, a couple pairs of cargo pants, and enough socks & underwear to last me a week. Add in a backpack to carry it all and I was done relatively quickly.

Kara got bored, so she decided to snag some stuff for herself while I went to pay for my junk. I was on line when I felt a hand on my shoulder; said hand belonged to Paradox.

"How are you holding up, lad?" He asked sincerely.

"I'm...ok, I guess." I answered after a moment's hesitation. "Why?"

Paradox smiled softly. "Because you don't look like it."

"That bad?"

"I'm afraid so." He said with a nod.

"I've been through a lot in the past couple hours, dude."

"I suppose you have," Paradox said. "But that's not why I'm here." He reached into his lab coat and removed a small black box. "I have a gift for you."

"Oh?" I said, feeling rather subdued.

"Yes, and as much as I would love to say who it's from, that conversation would take hours and a thorough understanding of quantum mechanics." He held his hands up helplessly. "We just don't have the time right now."

I sighed. "Alright, I'll bite. What do you got for me?"

"First, I need you to take the Talismans out of your pocket and place them on the ground."

I was naturally reluctant, so he sweetened the pot by saying he had something better in store. He seemed to be telling the truth, so I regretfully complied. All of my aches and fatigue returned with a vengeance once I broke contact with the Talismans.

Paradox nodded, wordlessly handed me the box, and picked up the discarded Talismans. He slid them into his pocket and looked at me expectantly.

I opened the box and peeked inside, jaw dropping as I realized what the contents were. It was a simple metal chain, with two mini-Talismans and a strange stone attached to it. The Talismans looked like quarter-sized (the coin) iterations of the Dog & Horse I had just given up, while the stone appeared to be a rainbow colored marble upon further inspection.

I slipped the chain over my head, laughing as I felt the welcome aura of the Dog & Horse kicking in.

"I told you it would be worth it, didn't I?"

"You got me there, kemosabe." I grinned like a maniac. "What else ya got?"

"Just a word of advice." He said gravely. "Being chosen doesn't necessarily guarantee success. Keep that in mind."

Before I could get the enigmatic immortal to elaborate, he vanished, leaving me with more questions than answers. Kara popped in then, clutching a small bundle of clothes as well as a random piece of paper.

"This might sound weird, but Paradox just appeared out of thin air and gave me this slip of paper." She explained. "He told me to give it to the cashier when we were ready to pay."

"Cool, I guess he just picked up the bill then." I said as I digested Paradox's 'advice'. "Shall we?"

-0-0-0-

Whatever Paradox wrote on the piece of paper seemed to do the trick as the cashier politely refused to charge us after reading it. Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, Kara & I dashed out of the store and made our way to Clark's apartment.

Kara locked me in the bathroom the second we got inside, saying that she wouldn't let me out until I took a shower. When I pointed out the lack of suitable toiletries, the door opened a crack and the blonde tossed some stuff through.

I grumbled out a thank you before turning on the shower. I undressed as the room started to slowly fill with steam, hopping in once the water had fully warmed up. I washed myself robotically as years of ritualistic cleaning took over. My eyes stung, and it took me a few seconds to realize I had been crying.

After all the scrap I had been through, the sheer fragging normalcy of the moment was what ended up breaking me. Figuring the noise of the water might mask my sobbing, I let it out in earnest, remaining beneath the shower for Primus knows how long until I heard a knock at the door.

"Are you alright in there?" Kara asked.

"Yeah sorry, I just zoned out for a while there." I lied. "Be out in a sec."

I quickly turned off the water and toweled off, pausing when I caught my reflection in the semi-foggy mirror. Using the edge of the towel to wipe it clean, I examined myself for the first time since my bogus journey had started.

My eyes, which had previously been a nondescript brown, were now a brilliant shade of green. I had gained a scar along the way, which stretched from just below my left eye to right above my left brow. I looked over the rest of me to see if anything else had changed, but thankfully, nothing else had. I still had my slightly shaggy crew cut and my hair was still black as pitch. I was still a bit on the pale side, and my physique could still be described as 'remarkably unremarkable'.

I finished drying myself before getting dressed, and I stepped out of the bathroom wearing a plain, dark green t-shirt and pair of light grey cargo pants. I held my bundled-up dirty clothes in one hand and my shoes in the other.

"There ya go!" Kara said with mock enthusiasm. "Doesn't that feel better than that smelly old jumpsuit?"

I rolled my eyes and pushed past the blonde, making my way to the living room. Dropping my stuff in a pile, I flopped onto the couch. I had just started nodding off when Kara poked her head over the edge of the couch.

"Are you sure you're ok?" She asked, her playful expression gone. "I couldn't help overhearing you in the shower and I-"

I held up a hand and slowly sat up. "I appreciate the concern, really, I do." I said carefully. "But you don't need to worry about me. Just… let me crash here for a few more hours."

"And you're sure about this?" She didn't sound convinced.

I nodded and lay back down. Since she didn't say anything else, I assumed I was in the clear. I fell asleep within a minute or two.

-0-0-0-

I woke with a start, head pounding like an abused drum kit. I rolled off the couch, groaning as I slowly got to my feet. "Hey Kara, I think it's time for me to go!" I yelled, hoping to part amicably. "Kara?"

I staggered through the apartment but couldn't find a trace of the blonde Kryptonian. Rubbing my temples, I decided to just grab my stuff and go. I hoped she'd understand.

As it turned out, Kara had packed my bag while I had been asleep. I slid the backpack on and adjusted the straps before checking that my e-sword was secure. It was and I bamfed on, but I couldn't shake the feeling I had forgotten something.

-0-0-0-

I found myself on a porch in a cave, and I facepalmed as I realized I had forgotten to grab my sneakers. I was also missing my nose for some reason, but I didn't realize what that meant until I heard the Vampire Queen shout something in surprise.

_**A/N**_**: Yeah, physical description and the beginning of Jack not being a purely reactive bastich fighting for his life! This is the part (arc?) that I felt was handled the worst the first time, since I just had him have one training session and act like everything was hunky dory afterward. So, I scrapped all that nonsense and came back here so I could do it right. Let me know your thoughts people, I can guarantee it'll help us both. Until next time, good night and good luck! -Closing Theme: Short Hair by Blues Saraceno-  
**


	6. Revenge of the King

**Ultimate Adventure**

_**A/N**_**: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? I never have, but that's mostly due to the fact that A) I have two left feet and some dignity left and 2) I have no free time to dance. I mean, who does nowadays? I can't waste my time dancing with Judeo-Christian icons at night! That's when I write (and procrastinate)! Anyways, Chapter 6. -Opening Theme: Berserker by Blues Saraceno-**

Chapter 6: Revenge of the King

Once upon a time, vampires were considered awesome. They were grotesque beasts (Orlok), conniving predators (Dracula), and occasionally even jive motherfraggers (Blacula). Nowadays, the batty bastards were sparkly prima donnas thanks to a certain series of unnamed YA novels. Marceline Abadeer was a bit of an exception. A sexy awesome, semi-monstrous exception with a penchant for red shoes. She looked pissed.

-0-0-0-

We silently stared at each other for a few seconds. A look of recognition flickered across Marceline's face, which only made me nervous. If she knew Future Jack… I gulped audibly. I hoped that idiot hadn't ruined it for me. Steeling my nerves, I hoped my silver tongue was up to par since I didn't exactly have a heart of gold. I took a deep breath.

"Hi." I said, waving at the same time. Her eyes widened, her mouth opened, and she screamed…in delight? Marceline swept me up in a crushing bear hug and we hovered a few feet off the ground. A _Houndoom_ was happily nipping at our heels, which only added to my growing confusion.

"No air, c-can't breathe…" I choked out as we made a few lazy turns in the air. Thankfully, my impending doom brought her back to her senses and she dropped me. I hit the floor with a dignified thud, scaring the Houndoom a bit, before Marceline floated back down, a slight blush on her face. She took a step towards me and I extended a hand, thinking she was coming to help me up. I was wrong.

She slapped me hard enough to send me sprawling and the sound echoed throughout the cave. After making sure my jaw was still attached, I met her gaze. Marceline looked furious again and her Houndoom observed me curiously. Oddly enough, Marceline mellowed out after a moment. She fell to her knees, and her hair fell forward, completely covering her face. Her 'mon growled at me and moved to console its mistress.

"Why are you here?" Marceline asked quietly, stroking the Houndoom absently.

"Sorry?" I answered, unsure of what to say. Seriously, how badly had Future Jack screwed things up? I mean, she was never this _emotional_ on the show.

"You're here because you're sorry?" The Houndoom grunted in agreement. "That's really what you're going with?"

Sensing an opportunity, I continued. "Well yeah." I admitted. "I _am_ sorry for bugging you, and I _am_ a sorry excuse for a hero." I sighed and sat next to her. "So that's what I'm going with." I concluded.

Marceline laughed a little and punched my arm. "You are a terrible hero." She admitted. "Sorry about getting all worked up like that," She flopped onto her back. "It's been a long day."

"Join the club." I grumbled softly as I rubbed my arm. "So we're cool?" I asked hopefully.

"Yep."

"Can I ask what that was about then? Most people introduce themselves to strangers, not attempt to choke them out." I asked carefully. "I doubt you'd make a lot of good first impressions that way." I smirked reflexively.

The Vampire Queen sat up and eyed me warily. "What are you-" She paused. "Hang on a sec, are you here by yourself?" The Houndoom (whose name I should've learned) cocked its head quizzically.

"Yeeeaah." I answered slowly, not really sure where she was going.

She opened her mouth to speak, but froze when an odd burbling came from the lake behind her home. We turned around in time to witness a bright yellow submarine emerge from the waters, crashing onto shore before the roof hatch popped open.

-0-0-0-

Speechless, I looked to Marceline and raised an eyebrow. She shrugged indifferently and floated inside her house, the Houndoom excitedly shadowing her. Great. I guessed that meant she didn't know what was going on either. When she came back holding her axe-bass, I sighed and brought up the Ultimatrix. It was green and good to go, even if I wasn't. The Houndoom whined anxiously, letting off little jets of flame in anticipation of the upcoming fight.

After a few seconds of glorious inactivity, a swarm of chittering somethings exploded out from the top of the sub. They circled us a few times before landing en masse.

They were gnomes if you can believe it, and they eyed us curiously, almost…hungrily, but didn't attack. They didn't speak either, only chattering amongst themselves with various series of growls and snorts. The gnomes were in bad shape, clad in torn, frayed rags, with paler than usual complexions. They were also much skinnier than I remembered, as if they hadn't eaten in ages.

A couple of the braver (or stupider if you're feeling cynical) gnomes approached us, only to get roasted by the Houndoom while Marceline idly tuned her axe-bass. The rest quickly got the message and hung back, content to snap and snarl at us from a safe distance.

I turned to the demi-demoness. "Hey Marceline, can I ask ya something before these guys decide to zerg rush us?"

"What's up?" She asked nonchalantly, as if getting surrounded by a swarm of ravenous gnomes was business as usual for her. Actually, I supposed it was in a way.

"What do I call your Houndoom?" She looked at me like I was an idiot. "I mean, _other_ than Houndoom?"

Marceline looked heartbroken as she informed me that I had been the one to name her 'mon. Apparently, I (or Future Jack to be accurate) had been the one to give "Sheila" to her in the first place.

"Hey Mar-Mar, what gives? You're hanging out with _another_ stupid human?" A despicably smarmy voice asked, interrupting Marceline before she could elaborate. The voice stirred the gnomes into a frenzy and Sheila was forced to play crowd control to keep the swarm back.

"You." Marceline uttered icily. "What the hell you psycho!?" She screamed. "Take your stupid friends and get out of here, or I swear to Glob, I'll eat your soul!"

I was about to cut in when a chilling new voice said, -Honestly, my dear Marceline, must you speak in such an uncouth fashion?- It was weird, but I swore I felt the voice more than I heard it. It was almost like the words were scraping against the back of my skull…

I struggled to place the voice before realizing it sounded like Megatron. Since when had Corey Burton voiced an Adventure Time character? "Hey Marceline, who is-" I tried to ask before the expression on her face stopped me cold. Surprise and rage were obvious, but there was something else. Fear?

Smarmy giggled to himself and was scolded by NotMegatron. -As for you,- Smarmy stopped instantly. -You would take care to show my wife some respect in the future.-

"Y-yes of course! Sorry sir." Smarmy groveled.

-I'm glad we understand each other.- NotMegatron affirmed as he floated into view, hovering a few feet above the gnome horde. Smarmy (who I now recognized as Ash) joined him, bumping into a gnome's hat and falling to the ground. NotMegatron smiled, his rows of shark teeth robbing the gesture of any and all warmth it might have conveyed.

His immaculately trimmed hair and beard were at odds with his well-worn business suit and ragged throat scar, a dichotomy further enhanced by his mismatched eyes. Coupled with his deathly pale skin and odd scythe-guitar, I felt it was safe to assume he wasn't the "peacefully diplomatic" type.

-0-0-0-

As we stood there, I had to resist the urge to whistle the "The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly" theme. Marceline and NotMegatron were staring each other down, Ash was busying himself summoning incendiary butterflies, Sheila was following her mistress' lead (growling at NotMegatron), and the gnomes had started a fight club. Since they all seemed ok with doing nothing, I decided to break the silence. "So, who the hell are you?" I asked loudly, hoping to conceal my unease.

NotMegatron laughed before answering, -Fascinating. You bear the same symbol as the beast that stole my voice and my bride, and yet, claim to not know me?-

"That is what I just asked, no?" I answered, both tired of not knowing what the hell was going on and suspecting it was all Future Jack's fault. That guy was such a dick sometimes.

-Very well.- NotMegatron sighed. -I am Lord Kevin Alexander Sable, his Lowness, Dark Majesty of the Underworld, the Marquis of Shadows, Devourer of Blood.- He finished with a bow.

Marceline scoffed and explained, "In other words, he's the vampire king. He's my husband."

The next few moments were a blur as _Kevin_, the almighty vampire king, finally ordered the gnomepires to attack. He and Ash joined in, going after Marceline and myself respectively. Marceline's axe-bass and Kevin's scythe-guitar clashed, the magical shockwave incinerating the few gnomes dumb enough to interrupt a royal vampire duel.

I transformed into Chromastone and leaped at Ash, hoping to catch the wizard off guard. I landed a single punch before he teleported out of range, cursing like an angry twelve year old. "What's the matter, precious?" I taunted as the immature wizard stared daggers at me. "Did that hurt?"

Ash spit out a broken fang and a glob of discolored blood before answering. "You'll pay for that, you pink rock freak!" He hissed. "Nobody does that to Asholl Butkus, Master Wizard!"

"Uh dude, I'm pretty sure I just did." I grinned. "And with a name like that, have you ever considered that your parents probably hated you?"

"Okay Pinkie, that's it." His ridiculous wand (it was covered in flowers for Prime's sake) began glowing. "You're dead."

"No, I'm Chroma-"

"_Deathicus Beamicus!_" Ash screamed. The glow surrounding his wand solidified into a sickly green aura and promptly shot forward as a beam of concentrated death.

My lone eye widened and I leaped to the side, avoiding the deadly spell by inches. When the death beam reached the spot where I had been, it stopped. It remained suspended in the air and looked around, as if it was trying to find me.

Exasperated, Ash pointed at me and repeated the spell, "_Deathicus Beamicus Right Nowicus!_" The death beam turned its "head" towards Ash and whimpered. Facepalming, Ash flew over to me, grabbed my shoulder, and said, "Him! This guy!"

The death beam nodded, realizing I was in fact its target, and launched itself at me. It caught me square in the face, hitting hard enough to launch me several feet and embed me into the cave wall.

-0-0-0-

My first thought (that I wasn't dead) was more statement than question. Other than the lingering formaldehyde smell and the fact I could taste blue, I seemed ok. I leaned forward and pulled myself out of the wall, landing loudly on the cave floor.

Ash looked stunned. "But I… how did… what are you?!"

I looked at my hands, which were crackling with absorbed energy. "I'm lightish red." I stated before I stretched out a hand and fired a massive rainbow death ray at the douchey wizard.

Ash screamed as he was consumed by the blast which also caught the edge of the gnomepire horde Sheila had been fighting. With their leader seemingly vaporized, the rabble fell apart, the disorganized majority escaping via hastily dug escape tunnels while a few stayed behind to try and take out Sheila and myself.

I smirked, creating an orb of prismatic energy in my left hand. Not one to be shown up, Sheila opened up her mouth and a small fireball winked into existence in front of it. I glanced at the 'mon, who gave a slight nod. I let off another rainbow death ray while she used **Flamethrower**, the combined force annihilating what was left of the gnomepires.

Out of nowhere, I was nailed by Kevin's battered body. The vampire king did not look good; he was covered in cuts and some brown crud was oozing from his fresher wounds; his suit was torn up in several places, not to mention splotchy and stained because of the aforementioned ooze.

Marcie didn't look much better. I mean, she still looked pretty good, with the clothing damage and injuries giving her this whole 'warrior queen' vibe…and I've gone off-topic. My apologies.

"Well, that was exhausting." Marcie said, taking a seat on the ground and letting her axe-bass clatter to the floor. Sheila was at her side in a heartbeat, tail wagging contentedly.

"Not really." I replied perkily. I still had a decent buzz going courtesy of Ash's death beam.

"Ok, whatever weirdo." Sniffing herself, she groaned in disgust. "Aw gross, I smell like gnome and dried blood."

"Eeyup." I agreed, taking an exaggerated step away from the Vampire Queen.

Marcie rolled her eyes. "Says the guy with no nose."

A pained chuckle interrupted our pointless bantering. "W-wow. That's just disgusting." Kevin spat, a broken tooth swimming in the bile.

I whistled, feeling a bit impressed. "Damn dude, you are just a _glutton_ for punishment, aint'cha?"

Kevin mumbled something under his breath and began to glow. Random runes winked into existence around him, forming an obviously evil pentagram. A tangled beam of light arced out of the magical circle and engulfed a blackened body I assumed was Ash. The runes flared brightly, reeling in Ash before encasing the duo in a pillar of arcane magic. A number of ash piles (formerly gnomepires) were also sucked into the pillar and seemingly assimilated to heal the terrible twosome.

Sheila used a new move on the pillar, **Inferno **I think, while I attempted to siphon some of the magic. Neither tactic worked, as it simply absorbed her fire and attempted to drain me when I got close. "Scrap. Hey Marcie, what the hell do we do now?" I shouted as a disembodied chorus began chanting ominously.

"There's nothing you can do!" Kevin said haughtily. "Thanks to _Call of the Haunted,_ we are invincible!"

…

Did that fragger just make a Yu-gi-oh reference!?

-0-0-0-

We took cover behind some conveniently placed stalagmites as random bolts of black and red lightning began erupting from the pentagram. After about thirty seconds, both the bolts and the chorus stopped abruptly. The next thing I heard was Kevin and Ash shouting "_Polymerization!_" My eye widened as I realized what was about to go down.

Please be wrong please be wrong please be wro- I peeked around my stalagmite. I swore mentally and audibly when I saw the abomination. "Son of a bastich!"

It looked like a bat, sculpted by a reality warping (and highly creative) sociopathic fan of HP Lovecraft, as interpreted by Pendleton Ward. Its mottled black fur was patchy with its bald spots occupied by either anguished gnomepire faces or random vestigial limbs. Its mismatched eyes shone with malice and magic: one was a scaled up version of Kevin's, the other a conglomerate of eyes, giving it a vague insect feel. The wings were normal, save for the giant bone spike 'thumbs' on the tips.

"_**I **__**A**__m __**K**__ash!"_ the beast roared in a blend of Kevin and Ash's voices, with just a hint of gnome reverb. "_**I **__**A**__m __**T**__he __**U**__ltimate __**V**__ampire __**W**__izard, __**B**__ane __**O**__f __**B**__enevolence, __**M**__aster __**O**__f __**M**__alevolence, __**T**__he __**T**__yrant __**O**__f __**E**__ternal __**N**__ight __**I**__tself!_"

Kash bowed and launched into a monologue, describing the myriad ways it had planned to kill us. I didn't pay much attention, but I think I heard something along the lines of "_**D**__isemboweling __**T**__he __**R**__ock __**B**__east __**W**__ith __**A **__**S**__pork._" Kash then went into loving detail about all the ways it could torture Marceline, ignoring us as it argued with itself over the proper use of her corpse before going off on a tangent involving a Houndoom-skin rug.

Shivering involuntarily, but grateful for the distraction, I walked over to Marceline. "What now?" I asked her.

"Hang on, I think…" Marceline frowned, struggling to remember. "Got it! I know exactly what to do." She said, pounding her fist into her palm. She gripped her stalagmite and pulled, breaking it off from its base. She set it down and explained, "You said you'd forget the plan, so I was supposed to tell you…'Use a unibeam to get the Earth King's lunch', whatever that means." Both Marceline and Sheila looked at me expectantly as I tried to piece together Future Jack's "clues".

Ok, the unibeam bit was simple enough; I just had to hit Kash with a supercharged energy blast. But what the hell did Avatar have to do with that? Wait, if the unibeam replaced the air blast… I smiled as the pieces fell into place. I loved it when a stupid plan came together!

Surprisingly, Kash was _still_ monologuing, so the unibeam caught it unaware. I put everything I had into that shot, burning off the last of the excess energy from my death beam übercharge. The beam sent Kash flying towards the mouth of the cave and Marceline tossed her stalagmite after it. The jagged hunk of rock arced after the '_**U**__ltimate __**V**__ampire __**W**__izard_' perfectly, and as the two cleared the cave entrance, the former buried itself in the latter's chest. Pinned to the ground and burning in the sunlight, the amalgamated abomination roared in pain, but couldn't remove the improvised stake.

The Watch suddenly timed out, and as the light faded, I moved to high-five Marceline. Except she wasn't there. She had recovered her axe-bass and rocketed after Kash, decapitating the beast in one overhead swing. Sheila followed up with a point-blank **Inferno** and Kash's remains went up in a plume of thick black smoke. Hissing in pain, Marceline retreated back to the cave and collapsed at my feet.

Picking up Marceline and her axe-bass, I carried them both into her house. She mumbled that she was fine, that she just needed help up the ladder. I did so and she slammed the trapdoor in my face.

Shrugging, I took a seat on her couch. After three incredibly uncomfortable seconds, I moved to the floor and began to wait.

-0-0-0-

After about thirty minutes of boredom and an awkward attempt at playing with Sheila, the trapdoor swung open and Marcie floated down. The 'mon seemed to chuckle as she went into the kitchen.

Marcie landed, I scrambled to my feet, and we both laughed awkwardly. When we stopped, an uncomfortable silence rushed in to fill the void.

"So that happened." Marcie deadpanned.

"Bit of an understatement, eh?" I replied. We laughed again, genuinely this time. Marcie stopped suddenly, floating over to the front door and clearing her throat.

"You should go." She said, holding the door open.

"Seriously?" I asked incredulously, the expression on her face making it clear it wasn't a joke.

"Seriously." She answered.

"Just like that?" I asked, feeling a bit crushed. A small part of me was actually hoping it was an elaborate gag.

Marceline sighed. "Just like that."

"Um…ok." I said as I walked out. Whatever, it wouldn't have been that funny anyway. "Later I guess." I was adjusting the straps on my pack, getting ready to bamf out when Marceline called me.

"Hey Jack, wait!" She yelled as she walked toward me. "This isn't going to make much sense to you now but," She blushed furiously. "C-come here."

I met her halfway and she pulled me in for a quick kiss before flipping me over her shoulder. "Thanks for saving me," She twisted my arm and I yelped. "But you better not forget about me next time!" Marcie smiled sadly as she released my arm. "Until next time, _Hero_." She quickly flew back into her house and slammed the door shut.

Sore but grinning like an idiot, I bamfed on.

-0-0-0-

I found myself on a random sidewalk, at night, in a nondescript city. I looked around, half-expecting to get jumped by a Vermaak soldier or a Jockey. When nothing came, I relaxed and slowly exhaled. "Thank Prime," I said to myself. "At least this'll be a quie-"

I was cut off by a random explosion. It sounded close enough that I could intervene, but far enough that if I waffled for a bit, it wouldn't be my problem. I looked at the Ultimatrix, which was glowing a steady green. Sighing, I adjusted the straps on my pack and activated the Watch. "Stupid Finagle's Law."

_**A/N**_**: And that is how you kill a royal vampire, with alien super-science and ungodly genetic aberrations. Also, timey-wimey love interests. If you can let me know what you thought of the chapter (review, PM, smoke signals, etc), I'd very much appreciate it. If you can't, thanks for reading this far regardless. Next time on Ultimate Accident: Chapter 7, "The Brave and the Bold". -Closing Theme: Short Hair by Blues Saraceno-**


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